When a Loved One Dies: Helping Kids Cope with Grief

With the death of a loved one comes grief — the natural mental, emotional, spiritual, physical and social reaction when a loved one dies. 

In the United States, most young people will experience bereavement or the death of a family member or friend by the time they reach high school graduation.¹ In fact, 1 in 12 U.S. children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18. Each one of these kids will experience grief in their own unique way.

Though 41% of bereaved young people will put on a brave face to avoid upsetting their surviving parent, telltale signs of grief may include irritability, indifference to once-favored activities, sleeping difficulties, and struggling academically. Research conducted by The New York Life Foundation, a partner of Boys & Girls Clubs of America, found that 68% of Gen Z respondents (youth born between 1997 and 2012) shared their need for support when someone dies, but just 52% claimed to be aware of services available to them. That’s no surprise, as the majority of Americans (63%) say they feel awkward discussing grief.

To cope, accept and move forward, kids need time and space in which they can talk about their grief. They also need to develop the resilience to adapt and function despite any change the passing of their loved one has caused in their lives. Building resilience in a young person begins with ongoing connections with adults who care.

Boys & Girls Clubs throughout the nation are providing safe spaces in which kids and teens can express their feelings honestly while building supportive bonds with mentors. Through programs such as the Be There Initiative, Boys & Girls Clubs and the New York Life Foundation are making sure that Boys & Girls Clubs have the resources, capacity and attentiveness to support coping skills in youth when they have lost someone important in their lives. Below is some guidance from the Be There curriculum to help all parents, caregivers, teachers and youth development providers talk about grief with young people.

Talking to Kids About Death and Grief

Ever not known what to say to a grieving person? You’re not alone.

Though death and bereavement may be uncomfortable topics to discuss, having conversations with grieving kids and teens can help them feel supported. It also shows you’re open to talking, allowing young people to ask questions and express themselves. 

When initiating a conversation, keep in mind that everyone experiences grief differently and no one way to grieve is more or less valid. It’s important to show authentic and honest concern, acknowledge someone has died and that this creates major emotions, and let youth know they can lean on you for support. 

Often, we don’t know what to say, so we try to minimize someone’s grief. However, these well-intentioned phrases can feel like a closed door, instead of letting the person share how they’re feeling. Instead, create connection by:

• Asking open-ended questions.
• Not comparing personal experiences to theirs.
• Being in the moment with them right now, from reminiscing on their lost loved one to being vulnerable about current feelings.

Phrases to Talk About Grief:

Posing questions and encouraging a young person to share allows them the space to grieve in their own way without fear of judgment. Start the conversation with an open-ended question such as “How are you doing?” and be sure to listen and observe attentively. 

Most importantly, continue to check in to see how the young person is coping. Grief is a process that happens over time.

10 Ways to Help Grieving Kids

The following approaches and considerations can help you support a grieving kid who has experienced the passing of someone important in their lives. 

1. Take care of you. 
   
   Before you can assist any kid or teen who is in bereavement, it’s critical to make sure you’re aware of your own mental, physical and emotional well-being. You may be grieving the same loss and need to address your grief before addressing theirs.
2. Recognize your kid’s grief. 
   
   Learn and recognize the signs of grief, while knowing that there is no universal response to the death of a loved one. Feeling sad, frustrated, scared and angry — as well as acting out or acting as if nothing happened at all — can all be expressions of grief. If you are not sure how the young person has been impacted, then try to spend some one-on-one time with them so that they’ll have the space to share openly.
3. Be honest with your kid. 
   
   When discussing death and grief with a young person, be honest, simple and direct in your approach. Tailor your dialogue so that it is age-appropriate, but don’t hide or “sugarcoat” the realities of death or the tough feelings they’re experiencing (and will continue to experience) as part of the grieving process.
4. Listen. 
   
   Allow kids and teens to share about the person who has died and what happened in their own words. Listen and observe without judgment. Answer their questions as best as you can and if you sincerely don’t know, then say so.
5. Share. 
   
   When things feel out of their control, it can be helpful for kids to know adults often feel that way too. Share instances in your life when you felt anger, sadness or fear. Being candid about how you dealt with these situations can reassure a child that their emotions are normal while helping them accept that things can and will get better in time.

6. Be creative. 
   
   Journaling, reading children’s books on grief and loss, exercising or making a playlist are all types of activities a young person can engage in to express their feelings and move toward healing.
7. Maintain clear expectations. 
   
   A young person may use grief as an excuse to act in inappropriate ways. However, it’s important adults continue to enforce previously established rules and boundaries, even as you acknowledge a young person’s grief.
8. Reassure your kid. 
   
   Show and tell the young person that you care about them regularly and often. Grief and loss can often cause a kid or teen to feel a lack of safety and security. Your comforting words and actions can go a long way to reestablish a sense of certainty and confidence.
9. Help your kid create memories to honor their grief. 
   
   Mourning traditions and rituals can give kids and teens a tangible way to recognize their feelings while honoring the memory of who they lost. Creating a memory box, designing a commemorative collage or planting seeds in someone’s honor are just a few of the types of memories you can help a young person to create to express their grief.
10. Practice patience. 
    
    Grief and loss is a process, not an event — and it can change us in many ways. Be sure to extend plenty of grace and compassion. Young people may need increased attention as they mourn and cope with their grief.

Grief is a universal and profound aspect of life that impacts everyone regardless of age. It is essential to recognize that grief takes on various forms and can manifest in myriad ways. To effectively cope and move forward, young people require the time and space to express their grief while building resilience to adapt to life’s changes. 

By fostering safe spaces and supportive relationships, Boys & Girls Clubs can better support the next generation in their grief journey and ensure they find the strength to carry on. 

Learn more about how Boys & Girls Clubs empower today’s youth and discover parent resources for supporting kids and teens.

The New York Life Foundation has been a steadfast supporter of Boys & Girls Clubs of America since 1994. In the last decade, the partnership has supported “Be There: A National Grief and Bereavement Initiative” at Boys & Girls Clubs to recognize and support youth grief. This collaboration also introduced a strength-based social-emotional curriculum, “Ready, Set, Action,” with the PEAR Institute, to help Club youth develop the skills needed for resilient peer relationships and coping with adversity, such as the death of a loved one.

Sources
¹ Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, Judi’s House/JAG Institute, supported by the New York Life Foundation